Ann Marie here and welcome to my vlog.
Betrayal is when someone fails or deserts a person in a time of need. At some point in life, most people have felt betrayed by family or a working relationship however, betrayal by family can be particularly painful. These are the people we are supposed to be able to trust – at least that is what our expectations typically are.
Some common types of betrayal are infidelity, abandonment, backstabbing, theft, lying, humiliation and the list goes on. I’d like to be able to tell you that betrayal stops when our lives stop but it does not. A deceased person’s wishes can be betrayed by the person or people they were entrusted to. Not only is this a desecration of the deceased’s person’s autonomy to make their own decisions, it can leave survivors reeling. Betrayal can get pretty messy. When you or a loved one has depended on another to respect needs or requests and they have not, this violates the trust which was placed in them. A betrayal of anyone’s trust can cut like a knife and consequently leave deep wounds.
So what can you do to help yourself when you feel like someone has literally stabbed you in the back? We begin by connecting with our feelings and we do this by noticing and naming them. What am I feeling and where? Is it anger, shock, sadness, disgust – all of them or perhaps another emotion? Where am I feeling this? Is anger banging around in my head? Is disgust and repulsion making me sick to my stomach? Take your time to be with your emotions. Notice them. Name them. This is the first step in beginning to heal.
Separate yourself from the person who has been disloyal. You will need some space. This means separating physically, emotionally, and electronically. Do not communicate with this person because it is likely that it will encourage you to want to seek revenge. It will not be helpful to you if you stoop to their level and plotting and planning revenge will stall your own recovery. You need time and space to process your emotions as you begin to heal.
There are many reasons why someone may prove to be disloyal. Was it deliberate, do they have a history of making poor or selfish decisions; was it greed, jealousy, fear, or something else entirely? Any of these reasons can be the impetus for even a family member to act against you or another family member – even if it means being untrustworthy and causing great pain. No matter the reason, it never makes betrayal OK. It may however make it easier for you to understand and learn from. Also know that you may never get to the bottom of this and therefore may need to make peace with the lack of understanding.
Stories of betrayal go back as far as the start of humankind. No matter the reason one thing is clear, the act of betrayal has consequences for both or all parties involved. Have you considered the relationship? Feeling betrayed from someone you are not quite close to will feel very different than if it’s coming from a spouse, parent, or sibling. Can you recognize how much damage has been done? Is this a consistent pattern of behaviour or was it a one-off? Has the family member offered a sincere apology? Consider if it is possible to make amends. Sometimes it will be and other times, it will not. A serious betrayal can break your trust with that person indefinitely. What is terribly sad is when it makes it hard to trust anyone. It is crucial to give yourself all the time you need in order to work through this.
If you’re really struggling, consider speaking with a therapist. It is natural and healing to fully express your feelings to another person whom you trust. It’s also important that the other person is not emotionally involved in this. Living through a betrayal from a family member is painful and at times, unforgiveable. However if the betrayal was unintentional or there is a way to repair the relationship then that may be the way out. But, remember as well - that once can be a mistake but twice is a pattern. We need to remove repeat offenders from our lives in order to heal and move forward for the sake of our own wellbeing.
See you next time 😊