Ann Marie here and welcome to vlog #3.
In today’s world that is regularly played out online, it is often not enough to do well; you have to do perfectly well. It’s not enough to look fine; you have to look flawless. You have to avoid mistakes or failings at all cost, because if you don’t, others will judge you and could reject you. What do you think about perfectionism? Is it a gift to help you do better or is it a burden?
According to a recent study in the UK, perfectionism is on the rise in younger generations. The study measured three types:
1. self-oriented, which is the irrational desire for you yourself to be perfect.
2. socially prescribed, wherein you perceive excessive expectations from others placed upon you And
3. other-oriented, which places unrealistic standards on others.
The study quoted statistics that between 1989 and 2016 self-oriented perfectionism increased by 10%, socially prescribed increased by a whopping 33%, and other-oriented increased by 16%.
I have had people announce to me that they were a “perfectionist” as if this was as a badge of honour. However, if we begin to explore the realities these beliefs fuel, the story changes drastically. If you expect yourself to be without flaws, and measure your value as a person dependent on meeting perfect standards, you are not alone but rather part of a very prevalent problem. There can be heavy costs and burdens to you under these kinds of unrealistic pressures.
The guru on shame and vulnerability – Dr. Brene Brown, tells us that perfectionism is not a healthy striving for excellence, but rather is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgement, and shame.
To be clear, perfectionism is not attainable for anyone at any time. It’s more about perception rather than how much we are motivated and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy is spent trying.
Dr. Brown explains that perfectionism is addictive, because when we inevitably do experience shame, judgement and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. Yet instead of questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more firmly rooted in our attempt to look and do everything flawlessly. In other words, it’s a trap. It’s actually a set up to feel shame, blame, and judgment. For example, “It’s my fault that I’m feeling this way because I just don’t measure up” and on it goes as I try to be more perfect.
To help to end this struggle, you can come to focus on the real you rather than fantastical ideas about who you should be, what you must do, and how you must look. What would it be like to present your authentic self – both to your inner world and to the world around you?
To build emotional resilience in your social world, you can learn to accept— not like or want—but to accept -- that others don’t have to think and feel as YOU do. With more resilience, you’ll feel less emotionally rattled when things don’t go your way.
In your private world, when you ceaselessly compare your accomplishments to other people’s and judge yours to be less good, this will increase your anxiety and you may come to believe that others are superior to you. As an antidote, you can learn to focus on what you can do well and let the others be concerned about their own performances.
Connecting with your authentic self is a more flexible way of viewing life. Demanding terms such as “should”, “ought to” and “must” will lose their power over you. You will no longer define yourself and your worth on your looks or accomplishments.
Perfectionism is not a gift; it is a burden that comes with substantial costs to your mental health – but with support it is a burden that can be overcome.
See you next time 😊